My new year resolution
It is going into the second day of the year and I am watching the Hollywood blockbuster Pearl Harbor on TV. My nurse wife is working on night shift and I am left at home taking care of my three little kids. I don’t normally stay up this late to watch a movie, but tonight I feel like giving the Americans the chance to explain why they had to drop the Bombs and stopped World War II. Now I know they had to annihilate Hiroshima and Nagasaki because two young men were fighting over a beautiful nurse! When the movie ends at half past one, my kids – 2 daughters and a son - are all fast asleep. I carry all of them – one by one – upstairs to the bedroom and I begin typing these words.
At this hour everyone is deep in his dreams. I don’t feel like sleeping as my mind sieves through the things that I have done in the past 12 months. In February 2005, I moved into my own home after 10 years of being a tenant. I had been saving some money for this move. Within two months I used it all on renovation work and some furniture. I think with the same amount of money I could buy a bungalow in Pasir Mas. But no one in Pasir Mas would employ me as an oil and gas pipeline engineer. Not until they find oil in Pantai Sabak or gas in Sungai Kelantan!
It’s been more than ten years since I got back from studying abroad and served the company who had sponsored my studies. I felt like I needed to decide what to do with my professional life. I had reached a crossroads and I had to make a choice. I am not the type who likes doing anything drastic to my life. But last year I did break from my normal routine and made a major decision. I thought I would continue to be comfortable in my familiar environment, going about my 8 to 5 routine. But series of things happened and I was pushed into making the major decision. I thought if I did not do it then, I would be consigned into a life of predictable routine. So I resigned from my fairly secured job which promised relatively easy life. I left a big government company to join a small private consultancy. I resigned at the point when my former employer was at the top of their performance, and when they were at their most generous moment. A crazy decision many would say. But I followed my heart and did what I did.
Last year saw two deaths in my extended family. My drug addict uncle died at the age of 34, suspected of HIV/AIDS. That was early in 2005. He left behind 4 small kids and a wife. I still see them every time I visit my kampung, just to see how they are coping with life. I make sure I leave them some ringgit notes, but my contribution is just a drop in the ocean in the face of their uncertain future. Another uncle died unexpectedly just 9 days short of the New Year. Unlike the other uncle, his children should be fine. He was a retired teacher and owned some pieces of land. I went to his house to see him 10 days before his sudden death but he was not at home. He was up and about even two days before his kidney and other vital organs failed, so nobody expected this to happen. Sadly, I missed the last chance to meet him. The last time we met was during Hari Raya Puasa of 2004. Fate has it that I was never going to see him alive again after that.
On a happier note, there were also some weddings and births in my extended family. On most occasions, I was not able to attend the ceremonies. I just hope they understand that because of the distance it is not always possible for me to be there. Two thousand five also saw the birth of my third child, Sofea. Now my family is five people. An ideal size considering the mounting costs these days. After celebrating some births and mourning in funerals, I can’t help but realize that the old generation is being gradually replaced with new one, and I am pushed one step higher in the pyramid of responsibility. If this worked like a multi-level marketing scheme, pretty soon I would be a millionaire!
The school holidays are drawing to a close. I wish I had spent more time teaching my children – especially the eldest one who is now moving to Standard Two. I had let my children watch too much TV. I know it will be hard but I hope I will be able to teach them to see less of Disney Channel and help them to pick up books to find enjoyment in reading. On Tuesday, I will join thousands of parents across the country taking their kids back to school after the long break. This year, I will have to dig deeper into my pocket to pay for my daughter’s school fees, books and transportation. Definitely a lot deeper than last year as prices of things have gone up. The school bus Mak Chik now demands 50 ringgit per month, a raise of RM20 from last year’s RM30. I thank Pak Lah for reducing my car road tax by half but I am afraid he is going to have to do better than that to win my vote. The savings from one year’s road tax can only pay for two months of my daughter’s school bus fare! School books will cost another RM100 on top of two hundred or so already spent on uniforms, stationery and other accessories. Now I understand why my brother, who works as a factory security guard with three children attending school, is having a hard time.
As the clock struck 12 last night, fireworks were launched to the sky. My daughter and son begged me to take them outside our home to watch the distant firework display over the hills of Kajang. And so I watched fireworks exploding in the sky with my children as 2005 disappeared into the night. This new year, I hope there will be more time to see my kids grow. More time to teach my daughter ABCs, to watch her struggle with her homework and to see all of them blow their birthday candles. I wish I could play these golden moments in slow motion. But I know as soon as those 365 days have passed, another 365 start counting down. I’d like to live this moment and slowly appreciate it. I know if I don’t the kids will be all grown up in no time. Soon, when they leave home for boarding school, or pursue their dreams at university, the fireworks display will probably still be there. But it’s not going to be the same. I dread the time when I may have to watch it alone. The day when the kids are all gone to lead a life of their own.
